I love my bean

I love you my bean,
You are my light and inspiration,
Do not worry,
grow and grow and grow in my love.
I love you.
Grow and never be afraid.
I will take care of you
We are blessed
Gifts given without imperfect intention
You are complete
My bean
I love you Bean
Grow strong and healthy
Create love and light
Go easy on me
I need you
I love you without conditions
You are my strength
and I am yours
I love you beyond belief
With a love that transcends this world
Oh bean, grow strong and healthy
God will guide us
I love you Bean.
Love is my word for you.

Its so hard to love you...

The eye of Hate

You are a sad selfish person.
You do not deserve even the a glimpse of the
evening shade from
from the light that I give.
You harden my heart.
Hide me from the truth.
I don't love what you do
But I keep a light on for you.
Give me the strength to resist destroying you.
Keep me away from your drain.
You are not worth
A different dream.
A different day.
I don't hold you near to me.
I want to leave you.
Alone.
Solitary.
The way you were born and should die.
Hate for you fills my heart.
The worst type of hate.
Keeps me undernourished.
Dying for love.

You let me down.
When i was at my weakest point.
You took what I valued the most,
and destroyed it,
crumpled it to bits.
Defiled it.
When I had to put all of my trust in you,
you took from me, and drained me of the life
energy, the most important parts of me.
Revealed to you, mistakingly.

Making changes means nothing to you.
Your heart is hard and insecure.
Love isn't familiar with you.

Body fat & what to pack

I am certifiably borderline obese according to a 24-Hour Fitness Personal trainer. What a pick me upper...Yes, indeed, walked into the gym for my "boot camp" class and decided to get my body fat measured by a "certified professional". Boo. I am certifiably crazy for wanting to know. It is too much! I didn't fit into the "fit" range for my age. The worst part is that the meathead did not want to show me my results, prefacing them with, "well keep in mind this is not really as accurate as dipping you in a tank of water". Now, I want to know what would make me want to be squeezed up and measured by some professional meathead and also dipped into a pot of water all in the same go. One day. If only. Next time someone tells me I am fat I will have to say, "first you have to dip me in water" and that will be after I see his credentials of course.

What to pack for Lalalandia, ah, my big move. Something to look forward to :-) What should I pack other than my excessive fat? Will they weigh me on the scale with my bags a la Hawaiian Airlines in American Samoa? I doubt. I really truly doubt. But what I can pack is different than what I SHOULD pack. My whole life in a suitcase-AGAIN. How many loads of suitcases have defined my life. Sadly I was fired from the first gig. And a good thing, I don't think I would have had many of the experiences or even be the person I am now without them. Love gained, lost, rebirthed. A whole lifetime squeezed into such a narrow space. Confined and melting down into seasoned lessons. Just what I need. Another meathead stamped with a certification to tell me I am fat. I guess its time to get a personal trainer.

A world beyond words...

I am here in a world beyond words.
Twenty-something no longer young enough to make the mistakes of an earlier year.
And not yet old enough to know the difference.
Exploration, danger, seeking-self, eternity.
Struggling to unify myselves.
Heartaches have lined my life, shells of decisions made in love.
Such a fool I was, letting fireflies lead the way through this broken path.
Never letting anyone, “tell me what to do”/
Hurricanes of lessons leaving me to build anew, and build, and build, and build/
Yet never rebuilding/
As the fingers on my hands wear down to numbness tears cleanse my eyes to see the path again/
Or was it blurring me from before?
And feel what I should do.
Always feeling and never knowing.
Knowing what I feel.
Me

One nightstand...

One nightstand...

One-night-stand.
One nightstand.



Sinking back into my body, the morning breaks in through the slit between the curtains.
I shield my eyes. in a stark white room...my only company a single nightstand.
One night, spent thousands of miles away from my (soul).

Beside this nightstand.



Inside of her the Holy Bible,
wholly untouched.
A Holy Bible in the heart of the nightstand.
I press her heart to--my own heart beating against walls of paper beneath this satin sheath.
Its pristine pages peel back with a crackle between my fingers.



One nightstand.
Filled with holiness, loathing my company wishing for loneliness
in a room lit with a whisper of light through a cigarette stained lampshade.



How this earth seems SO far from heaven!!



and spread. (legs)



Warmed only by thoughts of childhood.



If only you knew. If only I knew! If only I could remember his name...
Jerem-Jeremi- Jermaine or was it George, something starting with a Juh.
Checkered shirt, messy car, late night drive-thru, my sim card lost--did I find it? Oh yes!
Thank God.



When I see the boys I'll give them a high-five. (happy)



And they'll smile with me. Or down on me. (lie down)



One nightstand,
if only she could speak.
I would cut out her tongue! (harsh)
So helpless standing there in this filth.
So unable to help.
Too late to pick up the pieces of me.



Forever.

I am not in a nutshell

I am a divine necessity,
an eternal seeker,
and a self-proclaimed knuckle head.

I never take the right advice
I will not spend the rest of my life counting down until Friday.

I love blasphemously
and eat like I know not the day nor the hour.

Loving you is weeeeeeeee!!!

I love you with something natural in me...
like a cool breeze,
the touch of you caresses my skin.
Far away in body but one in body and spirit.
You make my body more.
You make my heart move.
Bigger than what my thoughts can make me.
You support God's purpose in me.
Loving you is easy,
something like looking at the sea.
Living in synchrony with the sun and sand.
Swimming toward your soul, I meet my own.

Sometimes, I feel like a pea.

Sometimes...

When you say you love me, I feel so good.
But when I realize you praise another woman as highly. I question, why, when you have me?
How can you tell another...her 'smile can steal your heart'.
Your words are like darts.
Can I trust you?
When you say you love, I feel like it's with half a heart.
When you lust after others.
Spill intimate words of passion shared most often between lovers.
Your heart, mind, soul, body are all connected.
God did not separate one from the other.
When you give away one in lust all is lost.
It takes a little away from me and we.
I feel that knot in my throat, the heaviness in my heart and pit of me.
When you say you...those are just words now.
Like a mosquito buzzing by me.
Cheapened, you make this, we.

You see no wrong which makes it worse. Like a nightmare where only I can see.

And awaken feeling wronged and alone.

Beneath trust;
Why must you use lovers words with another? What of me? Is nothing sacred?

Heartmindbody. Are those conneceted, when you say you love me?

When you...it is stained.
By your indecency.
Me in my world,
You in yours.
Me in my world, alone.

Jesus Does Not Work For Google

Jesus Does Not Work For Google...

Offer any question to the Google Search Engine and the universe
shall be opened unto you. The Googleverse that is. A Googleverse
that is coming across a more varied and sophisticated structure with Google Search Engine,
GoogleVoice, GoogleCalendar, GoogleScholar, and a soon-to-be Google
phone to usurp its revered predecessor-iphone. The Google Eye reaches
to many "forbidden" arenas such as North Korea, Alqaeda safehouses
in Pakistan, and that Washington DC 3-bedroom bachelorette pad that your current beau's
ex-girlfriend frolicks within.

In short, Google can navigate you to the furthest corners of the
earth, all from the comfort and "privacy" of your own home. You can
ask Google anything. It is the Trekkies dream come true.

To Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

No proverbial stone is left unturned. For better or worse. Alas,
the truth is--Google Giveth and Google Taketh Away. Unphased by your
haughtiness, naughtiness, or all around annoying curiosity. No matter
what angle you take, google sits unchanging. Awaiting your deepest
and most secret queries. WIth its two BIG eyes and slot of a mouth.

Ready to gobble up your curiousity and spit out knowledge with the
click of your mouse. Google is omniscent, non-judgemental, forgiving,
everpresent as satellite imagery suggests, and potent with answers to
all of your questions. Could it be? Jesus-Powered?

Sigh with relief in knowing that JESUS DOES NOT WORK FOR GOOGLE.

Well, how do I know? You may ask. The universe poses questions
to us on a daily basis, which we as humans are tasked with answering.
These universal questions are uniquely unaswerable by Google. Some
examples follow:

-What is ____(your name)'s purpose on this earth?
-Should I forgive ____(name of transgressor) for ______(transgression)?
-How can we realize our dream for global peace and not end up
in pieces as a result?

Yes, some questions are unanswerable by our well-respected Googleverse.
Sorry Google, Jesus has you on this one. These are questions, universal
question, that can only be answered by our inner-voice. Whether you get
to that voice by asking Jesus to speak to your heart or by doing
yogic meditations is up to you. Some days Google doesn't have ALL the answers.

Falling Forward

Today I am going to reveal the hidden benefits of the F-word. Okay, we are all adults in here so let me just come clean and say it…Failure.


Many of us are afraid of this word. Afraid of the way it looks, the way it sounds, and the way it makes us feel.

Envision yourselves as that little baby we all were when we took our first hesitant steps. Our shaky legs learn the rhythm and the motion of walking, but before we have the formula down pact, we make an attempt to walk. There was a pitter patter of uncoordinated steps and then (CLAP) SPLAT! Down on our faces. More often than not we got up and tried again. All of us seemed to have learned how to walk—but I bet we fell more than once!

When we became adults, if we fall what is the first thing we do? Usually pop up and look around and think, “I hope no one saw that”. We become ashamed of our falls and failures. We hide from failure we avoid taking risks that may result in failure.

Me? I am well acquainted with failure. I have failed BIG—I got kicked out of the Peace Corps, a job I loved. I was escorted out of the country by an armed member of the Embassy. There was nowhere to hide from that failure. So I had to confront it. I’m glad I did. Failure is a great teacher. It teaches us more than success can. I learned about my limits, I discovered who my true friends were, and I uncovered strength I didn’t even know I had. But most importantly, I got up and tried again. Failing fast and failing forward is a hidden secret to success. I condensed this philosophy into 3 main points:

Accept Failure. Don’t be ashamed of the failures in your life. Accept and embrace them. I hope you realize from that little baby taking its first step—failure is a part of life. The sooner you accept failure the quicker you can move on.
Ask for Help. One thing we can learn from failure is that we are not alone in our struggles. When we were babies we fell down, got up, we may have looked around to see if anyone was willing to lend a helping hand or even get a kiss for the boo-boo on our knee. When we fail…it is good to reach out for help. Don’t be afraid to say you need it because everyone needs help sometime. Ask your true friends for help giving feedback—what did you do that caused the failure? What can be done differently next time?
Fail forward. The baby learning to walk will fall and get right back up and try again. The falls do not define us. They do not paralyze us or scare us out of giving it another shot. Failing forward means using failures as stepping stones to success.


Hopefully these tips will help you to remember how to make the most of failure. In this holiday season it can ironically force us to focus on our deficits—what we can’t do for our families, what we haven’t done in our personal lives or careers. Treat failure as a moment of abundant learning. As I mentioned earlier, failure is a great teacher. Make sure you are ready to be a great student. Learn what your limits are, uncover your strengths and weaknesses, what works and doesn’t work. Next time you fall, fall forward.

Men are dogs

Men are dogs...

Dogs are kind, loyal, empathetic, and affectionate. Are men really like dogs? I would say men are more like the male of any form of any sentient being (must be aware of pleasure and pain). Let's explore this question a little further. I would venture out to hypothesize that: The sense of compassion and interconnectedness with others is not as strong in male species as it is within females.

An experiment done with the macaque monkey population can bring us to an understanding of this phenomena. It was arranged so that when a monkey pulled a chain, it got food. But everytime it pulled the chain...another monkey was shocked. The one who pulled the chain had to see the other monkey suffer because of the pulled chain. Some monkeys would starve themselves for days. If it was a familiar monkey, it would starve itself for longer periods of time. If it were a the same species, but not familiar, the time of starvation would be shorter. If it were a different kind of monkey, it would hesitate even less in pulling the chain.

Monkey's are compassionate when it comes to their own kind, but less so when they are not familiar. I believe that females of the species have a grander sense of oneness and interconnectedness which comes from the miracle of motherhood-- this a sense of compassion between mother and child. It takes an effort to try and think of other people as close to you, so that their suffering matters as much as your own. For mothers this is easy. A mother would not hesitate to sacrifice herself fo her offspring, even in birds.

In humans compassion is a cultivation of the mind, where you first have to admit the consequences of your actions (knowledge) and then you have to relate it to someone close to you. This is SO easy for females because we are all connected through the act of, or at least the possibility of giving birth. This takes internalization and constant reflection. Do-acknowledge-reflect-act.

Men are more like turtles. A turtle does not have the dependency on its mother from birth. It takes more effort to show affection and compassion for this creature because from birth, it maybe, was never given the chance to be dependent. Like when the mother says, "You are a big boy now". And holds the child at a distance, if the child hasn't finished the bonding period and healthfully let go then this becomes a constant and ever present fear--abandonment.

SO when you hear the phrase, "Men are like dogs". You can say, "Nah, they're more like turtles"

You have a right with me.

Soft tears of new found needs, or buried words of contempt.
I am not disgusted by your worry warts.
The quiet strength you carry can become a weakness if you let it.
It's okay with me.
You have a right with me.
You're emotional episodes can go in my collection of precious keepsakes.
They'll be safe.
I will keep this delicately.
Let loose those silent cries,
my ears are big enough hold them all.
reasons don't matter here.
Not at all...
like you, just you, just how you do.
That's all that matters.
Your most authentic self, in all its lights and shadows.
that's what I am with you,
You have a right with me.

I love therefore I am…

When I was a little girl I never played with Barbie or Ken…not because I was socially conscious at that age. But mainly due to practical reasons their cost and dimensions, they were too tall to fit into the narrow Payless shoe boxes that would be converted into condominiums. There were also a little too standard. Not like the trolls. The trolls came alive in a unique way, each effectively transformed into a miniature character that strolled around in the shoebox/condos and interacted with a family of individual troll relations. When I was a little girl I teamed with my older sister to create the troll colony.
We played with the trolls, but before long the trolls took on their own lives and played themselves. We had a few at first…they slowly picked up in number and a family was started. Eventually they gained neighbors and sparks flew between a few as multitudes of troll love connections were made. I remember playing with these treasure trolls with scrunched up faces, olive skin, and jewels in their bellies. I loved them, the way the reflected happiness so brightly.
My sister and I must have played with these trolls for years there were generations of trolls and they each had their own individual story and character history. They had condos made out of shoe boxes and each of them had interior decorations unique from the next. They had livelihoods, though I can't remember what those were. They were kind of like the desperate housewives, in that, you knew they were getting money from somewhere but that source was not clear and you couldn't really say that you care with all of the drama that went on between them being enough to focus on.
From the trolls with their elaborate lives to where I stand today, I see myself as a dreamer. When I have a dream, I follow it. All the way—and that has gotten me in a lot of trouble at times and other times it has worked out but either way I have learned a lot about myself. One thing I can’t do is I can not not follow my heart. I am so passionate that when I feel for a cause or a person I feel completely and with every morsel of my being. For that reason I take my time in expressing myself. Sometimes I take so long in expressing myself that everyone has left the room and gone home to their families and I am still sitting there thinking about how I can express myself…and the answer has always been, with written words. I take forever to think of how I want to say something but when it finally comes out it is exactly the way I intend. I revel in choosing my words one by one.
In summary, I am a walking contradiction. I love people. I’m antisocial. I follow my love for life. I’m scared to make the final step. I am experienced. I have a lot to learn about love, about people. I don’t take well to no. I am half man and half woman. I live in extremes. I feel people’s emotions deeply but I am not sympathetic. I create wherever I go. I cherish precious moments. My favorite ice cream is mint n’chip. I eat an enormous amount of chocolate on a daily basis. I run. I cherish perspectives. I write. I live.

You're in my right brain...

You have no name.
You're in my right brain.
Beautiful and seamless...
one whole loving flawless circle of light.
Cliffs edges cannot limit us--
boundless in ecstasy,
breathing in you...out me.
Levels of incoherence
laughter for hours for no apparent reason
it just is.
No laws or rules or doubts
we just are.
Seeing a soul past the confines of the body.
We are free.

These things are A-ok by Me

-Men running shirtless in the heat of the day
-Taking extra long steps at a cross walk
-Counting out loud in your head
-Random dancing in the supermarket
-Language fusions
-Walking into work late
-Living organisms praying together
-Chasing rainbows at night
-Daydreaming during meetings
-Sleeping or napping on the job (as long as it isn't putting anyone in danger and you still get your work done)
-Telling the truth even if it hurts
-Meeting the maker
-Having coffee in the middle of the day or at night
-Breaking or keeping a routine
-Anything that doesn't hurt anyone
-Using the power of your influence to create a ripple effect
-Morning showers
-5-minute showers
-Chewing with mouth open
-Speaking with mouth closed
-Intense staring, as long as it is not directed at me
-Long drawn-out meetings
-Drawing in meetings
-People people
-Anti-people people
-Knowing your limits and setting them
-Monday morning blogs
-Simplicity
-Life

Why Chocolate Chips are the Best!

My body is the instrument
and the music is bitter sweet.
Like chocolate chips in my mouth touching just the tip of my tongue,
slowly spreading across my tastebuds making my lips--buzz.
Give me that truth to hum sing songs to the bottom of your soul.
I delight in you.
I wish I could melt you and keep you in me--If only I could encapsulate the melody.
You and I could be. But when I awake, I'll be in the same place.
And you in yours.
Each of us so dreadfully singular.
Boom boom boom
boom boom
The rhytmic baseline
connecting our hearts is the only beat.
Moving us forward and propelling us through this chocolate dream.
Every piece of me wear the vision of we.
Chocolate chips give me a reason to be.

He's Always Gone Too Long

Everytime he goes away,
Ain't no sunshine,
instead the distance between us feels like one long cloud,
outstretched like an arm with no attachment and no grasp end,
where are we going with this,
are we just relying on the consistency of dreams?
I can't count sheep falling asleep,
instead I count the days,
and the dollars dripping from my bank account,
and the days seem endless,
I never liked counting.
So pointless, it never ends.
It never brings me closer to what I really want.
Only longing for more.
My goal has never looked this concrete, but at the same time like a brick wall.
It's as if seeing all the signs wasn't enough.
I had to come right up against it.
Feel it on the palm of my hand.
So cold and hard.
So real.
Everytime you go away.

Jamaican Men 101: Lessons 1 & 2

1. Don't listen to anything he says to you.
2. Only pay attention to what he does.

The benevolent liar...

Have you ever been lied to?
What about that lie when the person you trusted with everything,
I mean EVERYTHING...
looked you in the eye and said, its true.
And later you found out that this person was lying to you for 2-years?
And when they finally got caught and confronted they said...
It was for you.
To protect you.
To keep you safe from harm.
The expression on the face looks something like this,
....
The benevolent liar.
Lying for the good of all mankind.
Sometimes the words come later for this type.
I wish I could have looked him in the face right then and said,
NO, you lied because you're a liar.