I love my bean

I love you my bean,
You are my light and inspiration,
Do not worry,
grow and grow and grow in my love.
I love you.
Grow and never be afraid.
I will take care of you
We are blessed
Gifts given without imperfect intention
You are complete
My bean
I love you Bean
Grow strong and healthy
Create love and light
Go easy on me
I need you
I love you without conditions
You are my strength
and I am yours
I love you beyond belief
With a love that transcends this world
Oh bean, grow strong and healthy
God will guide us
I love you Bean.
Love is my word for you.

Its so hard to love you...

The eye of Hate

You are a sad selfish person.
You do not deserve even the a glimpse of the
evening shade from
from the light that I give.
You harden my heart.
Hide me from the truth.
I don't love what you do
But I keep a light on for you.
Give me the strength to resist destroying you.
Keep me away from your drain.
You are not worth
A different dream.
A different day.
I don't hold you near to me.
I want to leave you.
Alone.
Solitary.
The way you were born and should die.
Hate for you fills my heart.
The worst type of hate.
Keeps me undernourished.
Dying for love.

You let me down.
When i was at my weakest point.
You took what I valued the most,
and destroyed it,
crumpled it to bits.
Defiled it.
When I had to put all of my trust in you,
you took from me, and drained me of the life
energy, the most important parts of me.
Revealed to you, mistakingly.

Making changes means nothing to you.
Your heart is hard and insecure.
Love isn't familiar with you.

Body fat & what to pack

I am certifiably borderline obese according to a 24-Hour Fitness Personal trainer. What a pick me upper...Yes, indeed, walked into the gym for my "boot camp" class and decided to get my body fat measured by a "certified professional". Boo. I am certifiably crazy for wanting to know. It is too much! I didn't fit into the "fit" range for my age. The worst part is that the meathead did not want to show me my results, prefacing them with, "well keep in mind this is not really as accurate as dipping you in a tank of water". Now, I want to know what would make me want to be squeezed up and measured by some professional meathead and also dipped into a pot of water all in the same go. One day. If only. Next time someone tells me I am fat I will have to say, "first you have to dip me in water" and that will be after I see his credentials of course.

What to pack for Lalalandia, ah, my big move. Something to look forward to :-) What should I pack other than my excessive fat? Will they weigh me on the scale with my bags a la Hawaiian Airlines in American Samoa? I doubt. I really truly doubt. But what I can pack is different than what I SHOULD pack. My whole life in a suitcase-AGAIN. How many loads of suitcases have defined my life. Sadly I was fired from the first gig. And a good thing, I don't think I would have had many of the experiences or even be the person I am now without them. Love gained, lost, rebirthed. A whole lifetime squeezed into such a narrow space. Confined and melting down into seasoned lessons. Just what I need. Another meathead stamped with a certification to tell me I am fat. I guess its time to get a personal trainer.

A world beyond words...

I am here in a world beyond words.
Twenty-something no longer young enough to make the mistakes of an earlier year.
And not yet old enough to know the difference.
Exploration, danger, seeking-self, eternity.
Struggling to unify myselves.
Heartaches have lined my life, shells of decisions made in love.
Such a fool I was, letting fireflies lead the way through this broken path.
Never letting anyone, “tell me what to do”/
Hurricanes of lessons leaving me to build anew, and build, and build, and build/
Yet never rebuilding/
As the fingers on my hands wear down to numbness tears cleanse my eyes to see the path again/
Or was it blurring me from before?
And feel what I should do.
Always feeling and never knowing.
Knowing what I feel.
Me

One nightstand...

One nightstand...

One-night-stand.
One nightstand.



Sinking back into my body, the morning breaks in through the slit between the curtains.
I shield my eyes. in a stark white room...my only company a single nightstand.
One night, spent thousands of miles away from my (soul).

Beside this nightstand.



Inside of her the Holy Bible,
wholly untouched.
A Holy Bible in the heart of the nightstand.
I press her heart to--my own heart beating against walls of paper beneath this satin sheath.
Its pristine pages peel back with a crackle between my fingers.



One nightstand.
Filled with holiness, loathing my company wishing for loneliness
in a room lit with a whisper of light through a cigarette stained lampshade.



How this earth seems SO far from heaven!!



and spread. (legs)



Warmed only by thoughts of childhood.



If only you knew. If only I knew! If only I could remember his name...
Jerem-Jeremi- Jermaine or was it George, something starting with a Juh.
Checkered shirt, messy car, late night drive-thru, my sim card lost--did I find it? Oh yes!
Thank God.



When I see the boys I'll give them a high-five. (happy)



And they'll smile with me. Or down on me. (lie down)



One nightstand,
if only she could speak.
I would cut out her tongue! (harsh)
So helpless standing there in this filth.
So unable to help.
Too late to pick up the pieces of me.



Forever.

I am not in a nutshell

I am a divine necessity,
an eternal seeker,
and a self-proclaimed knuckle head.

I never take the right advice
I will not spend the rest of my life counting down until Friday.

I love blasphemously
and eat like I know not the day nor the hour.

Loving you is weeeeeeeee!!!

I love you with something natural in me...
like a cool breeze,
the touch of you caresses my skin.
Far away in body but one in body and spirit.
You make my body more.
You make my heart move.
Bigger than what my thoughts can make me.
You support God's purpose in me.
Loving you is easy,
something like looking at the sea.
Living in synchrony with the sun and sand.
Swimming toward your soul, I meet my own.

Sometimes, I feel like a pea.

Sometimes...

When you say you love me, I feel so good.
But when I realize you praise another woman as highly. I question, why, when you have me?
How can you tell another...her 'smile can steal your heart'.
Your words are like darts.
Can I trust you?
When you say you love, I feel like it's with half a heart.
When you lust after others.
Spill intimate words of passion shared most often between lovers.
Your heart, mind, soul, body are all connected.
God did not separate one from the other.
When you give away one in lust all is lost.
It takes a little away from me and we.
I feel that knot in my throat, the heaviness in my heart and pit of me.
When you say you...those are just words now.
Like a mosquito buzzing by me.
Cheapened, you make this, we.

You see no wrong which makes it worse. Like a nightmare where only I can see.

And awaken feeling wronged and alone.

Beneath trust;
Why must you use lovers words with another? What of me? Is nothing sacred?

Heartmindbody. Are those conneceted, when you say you love me?

When you...it is stained.
By your indecency.
Me in my world,
You in yours.
Me in my world, alone.